Hipster Milkshake Disaster

My tummy is starting to settle down after Christmas. It started with the milkshake mutant hipster explosion of Christmas eve.

I had been at lunch with my work friends – very sensible breakfast for lunch arrangement of dukkar eggs on avocado and nonsense when another friend suggested a pre Christmas catch up at a local place called Knife Fork and Spoon. I didn’t know where that was and I have since discovered that the question, “Where’s Knife, Fork and spoon?” sounds rather like “Where’s my forken spoon?” when asked loudly and randomly in an office space because someone asked me where I last saw my spoon, and suggested I start there.

When I had found the place and my friend, we ordered 2 milkshakes.

When they arrived at the table, it looked like the café had employed the Looney Tunes Tasmanian Devil in the kitchen.

2 mason jars with handles (pet hate, its like putting a diamonte buckle on the rope holding your trousers up) were piled to twice their height with sticky things, chocolate crackles and dribbles of caramel and chocolate syrups.

One sip was enough for me, but I pressed on until about half way when I thought I might actually blow.

I rarely consume dairy. I LIKE dairy products, particularly cheese, but I have a little strange condition called IBS that allows me small amounts of these things, on occasion, and at a price, but if I over indulge, I may have days and days of low level horror, or a night and a day of   and constant pooing. My dad called it ‘having the trots’ and apart from once when I didn’t poo for about a month and had to visit the doctoras a child, I’ve had virtually no medical intervention for it. I’ve been tested for everything and had ‘indoors’ photos taken, but its all good… not cealiac sealeeack or however you spell it, no cancer, no nasties… just mental poo tubes.

Some of the foods that trigger a bout in isolation or combination are:

  • Red wine
  • Beetroot
  • Dairy products
  • Chia seeds

And the single non food related factor that will impact even if I never eat the above? Stress.

So, back to the milkshake. I’m not much of a sweet tooth either anymore. I’m a grown up don’t you know? But when we were done, it looked like two toddlers had had a party in front of the fridge, 9 and a half weeks style, without the sauciness of the blonde chick, what’s her name… Kim Bassinger and Mickey Rourke.

My friend, let’s call him Man Face, happily burped and got on with his day while I wondered a) if I was going to puke and b) how long I would pay for that with my downstairs arrangement.

Then Christmas happened and Finnish salmon goo with avocado and cheese, ice cream, cheesecake, trifle with cream and dried fruits (another item to add to the list) cheese boards…. You get the idea.

I have been trying to counteract the effects with Nutribullet squashies involving lots of leafy greens and calming what nots, and I think, some 7 or 8 days later my bum is starting to forgive me and cheer up again.

Don’t you just love Christmas?

  • No restraint
  • Quality time with people you’d never choose to spend time with at any other time of the year
  • Vast quantities of foods you never normally eat, most in direct conflict with the actual season.

Hopefully my belly pooch will settle back in to place and stop making me look like I have a Joey in my front pocket soon.



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